


Homemade

by Aidaran, StarTravel



Series: Of Shark and Men [6]
Category: Constantine (TV), DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), Harley Quinn (Cartoon 2019)
Genre: Crack, Cute, Domestic, Fun, John is terrible at cooking, M/M, actual good cooking tips on the story, mentions to the Legends documentary, sad half feral magic man, sharkstantine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:53:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25999312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aidaran/pseuds/Aidaran, https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTravel/pseuds/StarTravel
Summary: John Constantine wants to cook. Too bad spaghetti and spells don't quite work the same way.------"Bollocks, people still remember that piece of shite documentary?"“Of course. So you... do you actually know magic or are you an actor? Is your boyfriend so method he won’t take his shark makeup off?”"Does he look like a makeup kind of guy?" John glanced at Nanaue, who was looking at his reflection on the window and straightening his clothes and stroking his head as if he was getting some loose hairs back into place. Probably John shouldn’t tell people he was King Shark, social media manager to assorted supervillains. Not everyone was as open-minded as they ought to be. "Ta, nevermind."
Relationships: John Constantine/Nanaue Sha'ark
Series: Of Shark and Men [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764463
Comments: 5
Kudos: 80





	Homemade

**Author's Note:**

> We're back at it! we actually have some stories mostly written for this series but well, times are hard and we haven't had the time to finish them. Also, very open to prompts!

Nanaue knew it was a rare honor to have been granted a permanent portal to John's house. What he wasn’t quite sure, was if it was an honor to have John try to cook for him. It seemed more like a preview of what hell would be like.

John was standing in his kitchen, slightly panicked as he glanced at the different ingredients and pots. He knew how to use flour, water, even butter for spells, so it couldn’t be that different, now could it? And were noodles supposed to have water before going to the fire? He didn’t have to put water in when using java worms in spells, so did he need to for every type of pasta? He looked at his roquefort cheese. Was it even good for this? Oh wait, Nanaue was a vegetarian, did cheese count for him or was that just vegans? He had no idea. 

He was regretting telling Zari putting internet in his house was a stupid idea, since he could use a google search right now.

"I'm... I'm sorry I popped in here uninvited. Maybe I should have called before teleporting here? I... um, I can go back to my house if you want me to." Nanaue looked uncertain and started to slowly walk back, which is not the easiest thing to do when you’re a giant shark and your panoramic vision is nonexistent. 

He scrunched a nose that was not supposed to be scrunched at the smell. Was that even food? maybe John was in the middle of a spell. One that definitely stank. Maybe he was trying to burn down his house. Should he stop him?

“What? No luv, stay. I’m just in the middle of making the pasta. I think.” John held up what looked like salt and poured a frankly terrifying amount of it into the sauce. Nanaue really hoped that it was salt and not bone powder or something worse.

"I didn't know you could cook."  _ Probably because you can’t _ , he added mentally.

Was pasta supposed to smell like vinegar? John looked into the pot, to the burned strings of spaghetti, and added vinegar in the hopes they’d disentangle themselves. Yep, that was the smell Nanaue was catching.

“It’s not a strong suit, but I figured since you cook for me so much, it’s only fair I return the favor.”

"I can help you, maybe." He was thankful for not having hair, for once, or it'd be standing on its own by the terror of whatever it was John was pouring in the sauce. That... he'd never seen humans eat things with that sort of color and stay alive.

“If you want to, luv, I wouldn’t be opposed. Lot’ of different ingredients going on here. Some of them are a bit stronger than others, but I didn’t have a recipe book, so I improvised. It works with magic, I guessed it’d work ‘ere as well.”

"... What is that sauce supposed to be?" Green and blue things seemed to be staring at him from the inside of the pot. He shook his head. No, it was probably his imagination, there was no way something could have blinked at him from the depths of it.

“I... it was supposed to be a tomato sauce with some kind of crab to it. To spice things up, you know.”

"... I'm a vegetarian."  _ Not to mention it seems your crab is still alive, John. What kind of crab survives in boiling sauce. _

“Oh. Right. Right. That includes fish. Didn’ think that through.” John muttered as he poked the sauce with his spoon. “Is crab fish? It doesn’ have fins, so I guessed it wasn’t.”

"I am also partly fish."

“Right, but sharks eat other fish, I’ve seen it on TV.” John muttered, looking a touch sheepish as he poked around in the pot again. Something bubbled and oozed a bit, and spit at John, who managed to avoid getting hit by the green stream. “Might’ve used the wrong salt.”

"Maybe we could drop this sauce down the drain, hope it doesn't kill anything, and go buy real, human ingredients?"  _ Ingredients that won't bubble and watch me from the interior of my meal, maybe? _ , Nanaue thought as the sauce winked at him again. Well, at least it seemed to like him more than it liked John, considering it was not spitting at him. Yet.

“I ... yeah, that might be a good idea. ‘Suppose most of this stuff really can only be used for magic.”

“Was that even salt, John?”

“Well, it is salty, so I guessed it was. Why you lookin’ at me like tha’?”

The shop owner looked at the pair with something between interest and mild terror. She was pretty sure it was not every day that a giant shark argued about vegetarianism with a man that seemed to be... maybe a satanist? on the back of her shop.

"... I just don't see why blood spells count as eating meat! especially if it is your own blood!"

“You shouldn’t be drinking blood in the first place, John! It can’t be healthy for you.”

"Hundred of occult masters can't be so wrong, luv!"

She looked around. Maybe there was a hidden camera and she was being pranked. The pair kept arguing as they looked at the racks.

“Pretty sure they can be given how often the only one I know almost dies.” Nanaue rolled his eyes, shaking his head in despair. John had about as much self-preservation skills as he did cooking ones. 

"Ah, but I don't.” Constantine gave him a wide smile and then focused on the food again. ”So... are you sure all salt must be white? Really? It’s not enoug’ for it to be salty?"

“Yes, John. Any salt used in food has to be white, at least if you’re involved in getting it. If it’s got a purple tinge and screams, it’s probably somehow magically tainted. Or poisonous.”

"You're the expert, I guess. Most of the time I just get the food finished and ready to eat." He shrugged and held a red spice jar. It had fire drawn all over the label. "How spicy do you think this aji putapario chilli is?"

Nanaue took it from his hands and hastily put it back where it was. “It’s ... it would destroy your taste buds, let alone mine.”

"That much, uh? You said you liked spicy food."

“I do. I don’t think you could handle it though, darling, since your usual dinner is bread.”

"Hey! sometimes I also make instan' soup, luv."

“How about I make you actual soup?” Nanaue asked softly as he took his hand, gaze bemused and concerned at the same time. He knew John’s meals were either what Gideon made for him, or whatever he found lying around in his house, no matter if it had mold or something worse growing on it.

"If you want to." He shrugged, feeling a bit uncomfortable. For once he'd tried to cook and here he was, again being the one receiving food. "Oh, I can't be wrong about this. Pasta does need cheese, I know." He smiled triumphantly as he held a gruyere in his hands.

His dad hadn’t been a great fan of cooking either. Most of the time he'd make fries at most, usually just bring something from the streets and wash it down with beer. And then his life since leaving home had not allowed him to really sit down and enjoy good food. If he ate something good, probably it was either stolen, or payment for a few spells. Gideon and Nanaue were a bloody revelation. 

“Yes, pasta needs cheese, but gruyere isn’t the kind that goes  _ in _ it. But we could get it anyway to have it with some wine if you wanted.” He smiled warmly at him as he put the gruyere on the tray. He felt really guilty for saying no to all of John’s ideas, but really... had he never even made water boil?

"That is the one part I can help you with." To be in charge only of the alcohol felt a bit sad. Was that all he was useful for when it came to domestic things?

“Good, so, how about you pick out a lovely wine while I finish getting the ingredients?” Nanaue gave him a gentle smile, sensing John was a bit embarrassed. But no one learned how to cook overnight. “I trust your judgement there, darling.”

"Ta, guess that' the only thing I can't get wrong." John muttered under his breath as he walked to the aisle. He noticed the cashier looking at him. He felt angry, judged, failing in front of an audience. He lashed out at her. "Any problem, lass?"

“Your boyfriend is a shark.”

"And he cooks way better than me. Seems all I'm good at is exorcising demons." He started to scan the rack of wine and load bottles in his cart. He was planning on getting extremely wasted that night.

“Demons? Oh wait, are you that blonde guy from the Legends? I knew I’ve seen ya face somewhere!” She wrinkled her freckled nose, giving him a once over.

"Bollocks, people still remember that piece of shite documentary?"

“Of course. So you... do you actually know magic or are you an actor? Is your boyfriend so method he won’t take his shark makeup off?”

"Does he look like a makeup kind of guy?" John glanced at Nanaue, who was looking at his reflection on the window and straightening his clothes and stroking his head as if he was getting some loose hairs back into place. Probably John shouldn’t tell people he was King Shark, social media manager to assorted supervillains. Not everyone was as open-minded as they ought to be. "Ta, nevermind."

“Right then. So you’re looking for a wine? Do you need any help?” She jumped up from her chair and stood at his side, hoping to catch some sparks or something coming from under his clothes.

"I think that' the one thing I know of."

She kept looking at the rack. Oh, she had just what he needed. She talked slowly and deliberately. "You can use wine for a sauce, you know."

“Can you? What kind?” John looked intrigued now, giving her a charming smile.

"It depends. If you're doing red meat or tomato sauce, you can use a malbec. For fish, a white one would be better. No bubbles or sweet ones for food, unless it is a dessert."

She winced a bit. Maybe she shouldn't have mentioned cooking fish.

“Oh, I’ll take a Malbec then. We’re making pasta. I think I’ll skip the white one for now. Not fond of cannibalism, tha’ folk.” John gave her a knowing smirk as he grabbed a few bottles.

"So, the truth. Were the Legends really a hoax?"

“Of course. You really think I’m out here casting spells?”

"Yes." She sounded surer than she truly felt.

“Well, how about this, luv? You keep that little revelation between us and I’ll show you some magic.”

"Of course. I pointed you to the best kept secret of cooking, after all, so retribution is in order." She winked at him.

John grinned and suddenly made a small flame dance across his hand, taking the shape of a shark.

"Oooh, now this is good. So, no method actors, you lot?" She glanced at Nanaue.

“No, no actors here. Now what wine would go with the pasta?”

"Again, I'd say red. Don't mix them. And golden rule, cheaper ones for food, expensive ones for cup.” She handed him another bottle. It certainly seemed fancier than the cooking one. “Oh! if you want to get drunk with the wine on the sauce, forget it, mate. It has to boil out the alcohol so you only have the taste innit. Quite neat, right?"

“That is actually interestin’. And good ta’ know. Wouldn’t want to not get enough wine.”

"I could even trade you a cooking book for a spells one. Ya’know, fair exchange and that. I teach ya, ya teach me."

“Now that sounds like a bargain.” John tried to think of which of his books had the safest spells.

"Great. We can be each other's apprentice then." She smiled and shoved a wine bottle on his hands. “Ta name is Sasha.”

“John Constantine. If you can teach me how to cook to my boyfriend something edible and tha’ won’ look at him from the bottom of ta pot, I’ll teach you anything you want.”

"Deal. Should we... it doesn't have to be written with blood, does it? The deal, I mean."

“No, squire. A handshake will do well enough.”

"You look happy." Nanaue couldn't help noticing this time John was whistling as they checked out all their groceries and Sasha talked animatedly about how to make pasta boil. 

“Lets just say I made a good deal.” He grinned and leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"Should I be worried?"

“No, you should be excited. I got us some wine for the sauce.”

"... you're not trying to get me drunk on spaghetti, are you."

“No! I’ll let ya kno’, ta bird selling wine said that the alcohol gets burned out, so no gettin’ drunk on my noodles.”

"Ah, yes, that's true. I'll show you how when we get home." Nanaue mouthed a  _ thank you _ to the girl, for saving their night and stomachs.

“Perfect. And I’ll even do the dishes.”

“Cooking and dishes? Who are you and what have you done with John Constantine?” Nanaue smiled softly as they left the store, earning him a scoff and a kiss on the cheek. 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are love!
> 
> And remember, we'll eventually run out of ideas and tropes to tackle, so prompts are welcomed!


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